CRAP Fatwa No. 1: Unilateral Separation


February, 2002

To the true genius and giant of piousness Rev. Appelbaum shlita,

Shalom Chaver!

I must admit that I've been kind of depressed lately. All of the terrorist attacks have gotten me down. Arafat's involvement in the "Karine A" arms ship has shaken my faith in the Church of Rabin And Peace, the holiness of our master Rabin, and the sanctity of the "peace process" in general and the Oslo Accords in particular. I'm so down...I cannot bear to listen to my Aviv Geffen CDs anymore...even Clinton's appearance at our holy sanctuary, Tel Aviv University, did not cheer me up!

There has been a lot of talk about "unilateral separation", that is to say building a fence between ourselves and our historic partners for peace. I heard Jo-Jo Abutbul talking about it on his talk show on Reshet Bet and I cannot deny that I got excited about the idea. So I started researching the subject and I saw that Uri Avneri is against "unilateral separation", but Shlomo Avineri is for it. Who is right, Avneri or Avineri? I'm confused: Is a member of the enlightened public supposed to be for or against "unilateral separation"? Please issue a fatwa quickly as I am quite perplexed.

Yours truly in the love of peace and Rabin,

Ehud Sarid-Pilosof
Kfar Shmaryahu


Dear Ehud,

I'm sorry to hear that your faith has been shaken. True, we are living in a difficult period, and only men of great strength and valor will remain true to Rabin and his legacy. Take a look at Shimon Peres and Yossi Beilin. You will not hear from them any sign of weakness or questions regarding the purity and sanctity of the Oslo Accords. If we are having problems here and there with our partners for peace, it is not necessarily a sign that the Oslo Accords are to blame. Yossi Beilin says that our problems with Oslo are because of Binyamin Netanyahu, who "halted the peace process in 1996." Shimon Peres, on the hand, has claimed that we would have an even bigger problem with terror if it were not for the holy Oslo Accords. Therefore I shall declare openly and without shame: Oslo is kadosh and Rabin is kadosh!

With regards to "unilateral separation":

A) This is a great new slogan, a good way to evacuate Jewish settlements without resistance, for after all, we are doing it for their own good. We can use claims like pikuach nefesh so that at least some of the rabbis will support it. This would be a cause for great rejoicing in our ranks: to kick a few knitted-kippah-wearing-nitwits out of their homes which would then be used to house our poor Arab peace partners. This is, after all, what the Oslo Accords were meant to do.

B) It is going to take a lot of money to build all the fences and barriers that everyone is talking about. Do I hear the cash registers ringing in the offices of enlightened contractors?

C) No fence will prevent our peace loving Arab neighbors from firing mortars and Kassam II rockets on Tel Aviv, Netanya, etc. We can also assume that the troops stationed near the fence will be subject to continuous attacks from the vast variety of militias that exist among our peaceful friends. However, let's ignore all this. The main thing is the slogan.

D)But now that I think about it, if we evacuate settlements, where will all those people go? They are not new immigrants, so we cannot stick them in tents or caravans. The government will probably have to pay them pitzuim if we force them to leave their homes. Imagine that these people decide to buy houses in Kfar Shmaryahu or Ramat Aviv Gimmel. Imagine those settler lady types with their hats, kerchiefs, and baby carriages strolling through Ramat HaSharon! This could be a disaster, a true threat to our way of life!

In conclusion, we are for unilateral separation, even though we know that it will not provide us with security. Our support for unilateral separation is dependent on our ability to guarantee that the settlers that are evacuated are resettled in special enclaves, far away from the enlightened public. Maybe we can convince them to live in the Negev (excluding Be'er Sheva, the home of good old Ben Gurion University) or in the Galil.

Be strong and of good courage, for true peace and enlightened democracy are just around the corner. I'll close by wishing you the traditional Shalom Chaver blessing,

Rev. CaRl APpelbaum, President for Life of The Church of Rabin And Peace


Copyright 2002 by The Church of Rabin And Peace.  All rights reserved.