That's right, my friends! The billions are for the Israeli elite, for the Israeli military-industrial complex and for the corrupt politicians. Sure the settlers will have to receive compensation, but that's small change. The big bucks, to build new army bases, to relocate the border fortifications, to buy new arms, to build new homes for the relocated settlers will pass through many hands. Everyone will skim off his share. President Weizman will have to sit on the sidelines and watch as others make a killing. Too bad!
That's all for now. I have to make sure that my financial records get stolen from my lawyer's office.
What's all the fuss about? Ever since we started rewriting Israeli history these tests have become meaningless anyway. The main thing is too keep the Israeli youth ignorant of everything Jewish, to bring up the next generation of Hebrew-speaking-gentiles. Learning history, even after our careful censorship and revision, may in any case give the students some kind of Jewish identity. This is one of the stumbling blocks in the way of our vision of assimilating into the new "Middle-Eastern People." What's more, if Israelis know history, it will be impossible to spread lies like "Assad keeps agreements", "the ancient Palestinian People", etc. To make a long story short, learning history is just another tool of the "enemies of peace."
That's all for now. I'm busy rewriting 4000 years of history for Minister Sarid.
I do not know what Mr. Bar Ilan is so upset about. So what if 40,000 cars are stolen by the PA every year. This is the price of peace. There is also an aspect of social justice here, that the poor Arabs get a little bit of the wealth of the rich Jews. It's kind of like Robin Hood. Interestingly enough, the model of my car is very popular in the PA. My insurance company required me to install, in addition to the "rav bariach" gear lock and an electronic key, a special device to prevent the hood of the car being opened unless the key is in the ignition. So I had to dish out 400 shekels at a garage so they would install this patent in my car. A VERY FINE ARAB MAN did the work. I was happy to give the poor soul the business. The enemies of peace, on the other hand, make a big deal about these things. I guess that they are just stingy.
You got to love peace.
Lately several alter cockers have been writing letters in defense of our beloved President Mr. Ezer Weitzman, explaining to all how he was a great patriot and hero during the War of Independence(i.e. what is known by our Arab neighbors and friends as the naqba, the tragedy). But in my humble opinion they have got it all wrong. As is well known in enlightened Israeli circles, the War of Independence was a crime against the Arabs, which we are now trying to rectify with the Oslo agreements. So anyone who took part in this war was actually part of this great wrong. On the other hand, Ezer's deeds in recent years are in full compliancy with the ethics of post-Zionism, putting personal gain above all. One who wishes to defend Ezer should remind the public about his latter deeds, for instance when he bravely broke the law to meet with a PLO official(Remember laws are only important if they are consistent with the enlightened political philosophy). So what if he received half a million dollars in gifts? If Serusi were my friend, maybe he would give me some money too. Mr. Serusi, if you are interested in sending me a gift please send me email. I'll be your best friend.
Mr. David Newman wrote: "Ehud Barak, like Yitzhak Rabin before him, lacks a propeace radio station set up and run by the people for the people."
What a bunch of nonsense. I guess he forgot that The Voice of Israel(radio and TV) and Israel Army Radio are working day and night to brainwash the public into accepting any agreement that Barak will make with our Arab neighbors. Not only that, they continually ignore any violations of existing agreements! OK, so these stations are not "run by the people for the people." But that's the fun part: they are supported by the taxes of ALL the people. Even the enemies of peace, who despise the programming of these stations, have to take part in financing them. Ha, ha, ha!
That's all for now. I got to go to the studio to broadcast some Barak propaganda.
Due to the latest revelations of corruption in the Barak administration there are fears that new elections may be called for. For that purpose the Committee to Re-Elect the Prime minister (CREEP) has decided to create a few NPOs:
"The Association of Those Who Followed Lousy Legal Advice" - please make your tax deductable contribution payable to Mr. Ezer Weitzman.
"The 'I know nothing! I saw nothing!' Association" - please make your tax deductable contribution payable to Sgt. Shultz (of 'Hogan's Heroes fame) and General Ehud Barak.
We are also interested in new ideas for dirty tricks in the upcoming campaign. For instance, in the last elections we masqueraded as Likud supporters and we threw tomatoes on Central Party candidate Amnon Shachak. Please send any ideas to Mr. Avishai Raviv.
That's all for now. I'm busy reading "All The President's Men."
THE CHURCH OF RABIN AND PEACE ( 1 Feb 2000)
"As far as I understand, we acted within the law and according to it. If mistakes were made, they were done innocently." Thus speaketh PM Ehud Barak, a true disciple of our slain master Yitzchak Rabin. Yes Ehud, it is a very innocent mistake for your cabinet secretary Yitzchak Herzog to create fake NPOs. And now the Globes Business Journal reports that that Herzog was apparently guilty of obstruction of justice and witness harassment. But don't worry, just keep on spreading falsehoods and demagoguery. Maybe add some threats like "if we don't give the Golan to Syria they will fire missiles at us." The ignorant masses will believe every word.
I remember when I was young it used to be wrong to commit suicide. I mean, it was looked down upon. But nowadays suicide is IN! Look what happenned to Michal Niv: She took her own life, and nobody says,"Suicide is wrong." In all the press reports that I saw the question is not even brought up. Even Greer Fay Cashman of the JP is silent. The newspapers glorify her and say what a nice person she was. The same thing happenned with Motte Gur a few years ago. A religious friend of mine(you all should know that some of my best friends are religious even though they are usually enemies of peace) told me that Jewish law forbids suicide. He said that people who commit suicide are buried seperately from others. Maybe that's why suicide is IN: because it's against Judaism!
That's all for now. I've got to go write my last will and testament.
THE CHURCH OF RABIN AND PEACE (13 Feb 2000)
Let us listen to the pious-media-prophets. Let us give ear to the holy know-it-alls, who are all prophesizing, all in the same style, that the IDF must leave Lebanon. Yes, we must listen to the pen-wielding-prognosticators. They are also telling us that we have to get rid of the direct election of the prime minister, that we must return to the previous system. True, the very same silly soothsayers are the ones who lobbied night and day for the direct election system. It was to free us from the influence of the religious parties we were told. But alas, the religious parties grew, and the big parties shrunk. A false prophesy. But the false prophets are not daunted! They prophesize all the more, with graphic pictures of wounded soldiers, with interviews with demoralized soldiers. We must listen to them. Surely this time they have thought the matter out thoroughly. Even if they are wrong, and life becomes hell for the residents of northern Israel, who cares? As long as I can chug down a beer on Dizengoff Street, everything is ok.
THE CHURCH OF RABIN AND PEACE (16 Feb 2000)
Joerg Haider, thanks for coming along! It makes us feel so good to boycott you, to lash out at you, and to condemn you. In the meantime we can continue to brown-nose murderers Arafat and Assad, and to grovel before Washington's cigar-wielding-pervert. As for you, we will continue to act tough. We will break diplomatic relations! We will refuse to accept compensation for Jewish victims of the Nazis! That'll teach you a lesson!
THE CHURCH OF RABIN AND PEACE (20 Feb 2000)
No doubt that one of the greatest benefits regarding the immigration of Ethiopian Jews is the fact that we took primitive Africans out of the bush and civilized them. No longer will Ethopian Jewish girls feel embarrassed when exposing their bodies in public! They are free, free at last! Just as we liberated the Morrocan Jewish woman and the Yemenite Jewess, so have we freed the backward Ethiopian. Now they can enjoy all the fruits of modern society: STD's, children born out of wedlock, and more. Did the knitted-kipah-wearing-nitwits at the government sponsered religious high school really think that poverty-stricken Ethiopian girls will stay modest when such big bucks are being waved in their direction? Did they really want to deny the virile Israeli man the pleasure of seeing billboards featuring hot Ethiopian bombshells?
That's all for now. I'm going to get me some brown sugar!
THE CHURCH OF RABIN AND PEACE (23 Feb 2000)
Jonathan Rosenblum does not understand why the Israeli government does not get involved in the Dulberg case. After all, have we not seen in the past that Israel has gone to great lengths in the past to intervene in legal proceedings involving its citizens in foreign countries, even when they are drug traffickers. A guide for the perplexed for you Mr. Jonathan Rosenblum:
Israel does not want the Dulberg sisters because they will most likely grow up to be Haredim. In other words, they will get married young, bear many children, and strain the national budget by receiving payments from the Israeli Social Security. These children will not serve in the army. And if they are Lubavitchers they will even oppose "land for peace." In other words we are dealing with the enemies of peace. From our point of view, we are better off if they stay in Italy cooking pasta and baking pizza. As for drug traffickers, we need them to forge receipts for Barak's NPOs.
THE CHURCH OF RABIN AND PEACE (14 Mar 2000)
Jerusalem is being used once again by the enemies of peace to create stumbling blocks on the way to a just and lasting peace in the Middle East. Let's face it: Jerusalem is just an enclave for parasitic-black-frocked-gefilte-fish-eating-Haredim who do not enlist in the army. Normal Israelis have nothing to do there. For that matter who needs the Golan, the Galilee, and the Negev? I think that the majority of Israelis would be happy to live in an Israel whose borders include Gush Dan and Haifa, with a safe passage to Eilat and Rabin's grave. The time has come to stop making a fuss about Jerusalem and to get the peace process back on track!
THE CHURCH OF RABIN AND PEACE (19 Mar 2000)
The Church of Rabin And Peace congratulates Magen David Adom for taking the Jewish star off the ambulance that will accompany the Pope on his visit here in Israel. As children of Abraham we know how to welcome guests and make them feel at home. What's more, who needs this symbol in the age of post-Zionism? I would even suggest painting a Red Cross on the ambulance. We can explain the ministers in the government who cover their lice-ridden heads with black hats or knitted yarmulkes that its just a "plus sign", and if they had learned more mathematics instead of gemara in their youth they would have known this.
Hey that was pretty obnoxious. Maybe I'll win the Israel Prize!
THE CHURCH OF RABIN AND PEACE (20 Mar 2000)
The local Khoumenis have unleashed their primitive-midieval tongues to attack one of the great soldiers in the battle of peace: our education minister, Mr. Yossi Sarid, Shlita. Mr. Sarid's efforts to change Israeli history and confuse Jewish identity are essential components of the plan to create the "New Middle East." A Jew with a strong sense of national identity is a stumbling block on the road to territorial concessions and cultural assimilation. Is it not praiseworthy that Mr. Sarid along with his friends in th Israeli High Court of Justice are working to remove any signs of Judaism from the Israeli landscape and from our youth? Comparing Mr. Sarid with the Persian patriot Haman is a mistake. Haman sought to physically annihilate the Jews. Yossi Sarid is just trying to Hellinize us, in order to bring a just and lasting peace to the Middle East. Perhaps the proper comparison would be King Antiochus.
That's all for now. I want to ask Ms. Aloni if she is willing to share with me some of the money that she'll receive as part of her Israel Prize, courtesy of Yossi Sarid.
THE CHURCH OF RABIN AND PEACE (23 Mar 2000)
Haaretz reports that The ultra-Orthodox Chabad movement plans to rent a floor in Bet Milman in Ramat Aviv. The following is a quote from Haaretz:
MK Yosef Paritzky (Shinui) who lives in the neighborhood decried the decision. "If this happens, all hell will break loose. This is a foreign entity in a secular neighborhood. There are a lot of school-age children here, and Chabad has wanted to set a stake in this thoroughly secular neighborhood for a long time," he said.
The Church of Rabin And Peace would like to express solidarity with MK Yosef Paritzky and the normal, serious, hard-working, tax paying Ramat Aviv residents. Who knows what devastating effects Chabad will have in the community, home town of our master, Yitzchak Rabin z"l? No doubt that our children will incur psychological scars that will take a long time to heal if they see men walking around with beards and black hats in their neighborhood. And what can we say about their women with their long sleeve shirts buttomed up to the neck? SO LISTEN UP CHABAD. IF YOU WANT TO COME TO OUR NEIGHBORHOOD DRESS NORMALLY! I WANT TO SEE SOME CLEAVAGE, YOU HEAR?!
Glad I got that off my chest.
Copyright 2000 by The Church of Rabin And Peace.
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